Being sick has a way a taking all the fun out of things. It also takes away motivation and energy, both physically and mentally...and sometimes spiritually.
When I was laying in basically the same spot for about 6 days all I could think about was cold weather, clean hospitals, small-town America, Thanksgiving at Grandma's, and an entire myriad of thoughts about how great the US of A is in general.
All the pent-up "Radical-John Piper-Don't Waste Your Life-David Platte-Send Me, I'll Go! rah rah" thoughts that I was thinking as we moved here just kind of melted into nothingness. I was really sick, I lost about 22 lbs, my stomach was pretty much in knots 24 hours a day and I couldn't stand up for more than about 30 seconds at a shot. I was sweating big drops of clear water and I was chilling, big-time. It's taken almost a full two weeks to feel somewhat normal again.
I, in short, was done. Just like that. After lots of praying and writing letters and asking people to support us I was on the verge of packing it in and heading north, only after 3 weeks on the job.
I'm glad God was gracious and let me start to recover. I'm glad I couldn't make any rash decisions.
When I was laying there I was reminded by the Holy Spirit about two things. The first was in Job when he said "Though He slay me, yet will I hope in God." That takes a lot to say. Even though you may let me die, or more specifically, though you may choose to kill me God, I will still hope in You. That is a deep-seeded hope in God that I have not attained.
The second was similar. It was Lecrae's "Battle Song". I loved that song. I still do. But it takes on a different meaning when you're getting to the place of hopelessness. It just feels different to sing that song while driving in your Toyota Yaris down a perfectly kept Interstate 80, sipping on a Starbucks along with your family, who are also sipping on their Starbucks and enjoying good conversation about how much God is going to use us in Haiti.
Somehow sweating it out in bed for a week without food and having a rough go of it brings out a different dimension to all of that "Make War" type of thinking.
Anyways, I attached a video of that song with lyrics so you could also enjoy it.
Thanks for praying for us. We appreciate your support in that way.
By the way, I am feeling pretty good now.